Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A Girl Can Do What She Wants to Do and That's What I'm Gonna Do

Looky, I made a weird new header for the blog! Sorry it’s a bit crappy, but I used a terrible online Paint-like program, plus I had to draw it with my laptop touchpad mouse (yes Dad, I know I have the wireless mouse you bought me, but it apparently doesn’t like working on my kitchen table). Do you know how incredibly difficult that is?! So yeah, the illustration of me looks a bit like a crazy cat lady, but oh well.

Anyhoo, actual events are occurring in my life now, holy crap! That reality thing is so annoying, it gets in the way of me sitting around all day watching DVDs of Piorot (I adore that fat little Belgian detective!) and reading Neil Gaiman books, you know? I can’t be bothered to write a chronological narrative about how I’ve been lately, so you’ll have to settle for a list of events in no particular order.

*I got a new flatmate, who I am getting along with already. Upon moving in, she didn’t mind that I had laundry strewn about drying everywhere (nobody warned me she was coming) and we just finished watching a few episodes of Daria together because she mentioned she loves it too after seeing the Daria picture in my header. Needless to say, I can tell we’re going to be friends.

*I did a guest post over at one of my favourite blogs, Popserious. My Mom and Dad are probably going to get mad at me for making fun of the name they gave me now. Sorry.

*I had another patented Why Do Weird People Always Talk to Me? conversation that was along the lines of this:
Me- “Um, excuse me?”
Metal Dude- “Cattle Decapitation! Woo!”
Me- “I really hope you’re talking about a band or something...”
Metal Dude- “F____ YEAH! Their album launch party! *guitar riff noise*”
Me- “Er, I hate to break it to you, but The Willows are playing tonight. Not Cattle Slaughter.”
Metal Dude- “I know, Cattle Decapitation are way too big to play here.”
Me- “But aren’t album launches where the bands play live or they at least let everyone preview the album?”
Metal Dude- “Uh, aren’t they playing it now?”
Me- “... They’re playing some emo band’s cover of ‘Umbrella’ by Rhianna. Which is almost the opposite of metal. So, I really don’t even know why you’re here, seems like there is no Cattle Mutilation party.”
Security Guy- “Is there a reason you’re threatening to chop the head off this young lady?”

*I watched the Inauguration at 3 am in my pajamas, sobbing at everything from Aretha Franklins hat to the awesome old guy who spoke at the end. When Yo-Yo Ma and his crew played their song I cried extra hard because parts of the melody were from ‘Tis a Gift to be Simple,’ which I used to sing at my Friends School. I can only imagine how incredibly excited the Quaker community is about Obama as the new president. Oh, and I should add that I was watching on the TV in the lobby with five strangers, so weeping (albeit with joy) in front of them was a tad embarrassing.

*At one point in a dream I was having last night, dream me ate a bagel and I woke up incredibly sad because I realized the past six or so months have been bagel-less. They have also been sans pretzel (both soft and the little Herrs ones), Ben & Jerrys, decent potato chip, cheddar cheese, Wawa in general, Butterscotch Krumpet, decent milkshake, hoagie, and Milky Ways. Mostly junk food, yes, but it’s a bit annoying not having anything worth snacking on. Or desserts that cost less than nine freaking dollars.

*While watching 'Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring' for the bazillionth time last week, I made the shocking discovery that Bret from 'Flight of the Conchords' is one of the Elves at the Counsel. He's sitting in the background, but they show him close up for about two seconds right after Frodo stands and declares he'll take the burden of destroying the ring. I then Googled it and turns out a whole bunch of fans thought he was so hot they made a fanpage for him and Peter Jackson put him in the third movie just because the fans demanded it. Hi, I'm a huge nerd that actually finds glee in things like this (even though I feel like a bad LotR fan for not knowing this until now).

*I can play two songs on my ukulele now! ‘Golden Skans’ by Klaxons and ‘Bad Reputation’ by Joan Jett, haha. Believe it or not, they actually sound really cool coming out of a uke. Next, I’m working on ‘Oh, This is Love’ by Hellogoodbye, which was written for the ukelele, so it’s a tad more appropriate.

*I discovered a magic closet of wonder in my flat that I’d previously never thought to look in. And now I have a new shirt and hot Kings of Leon poster that some girl (who I found out didn’t even live in this flat, how weird) abandoned. Finders keepers!

*What the hell, Oscar nominations? You're really lame this year save for nominating Heath Ledger (who we all know is going to win, no contest. I mean, why the hell is Robert Downey Jr. nominated for Tropic Thunder?!) and any of the awards Milk or Wall-E are up for. Geez, even the Grammys seem more interesting than the Oscars this year and I normally can't stand the Grammy awards.

*A very super awesome thing happened, but it’s a long story I’m saving for later because there’s likely to be further developments in the future. Sorry to get all Lost cliffhanger on you guys, but believe me, it may be worth it in a week or so.

Captain Vague signing off duty!

Sunday, January 18, 2009


Watching Alfred Hitchcock movies alone on a Friday night is never a good idea, but I’m a stubborn idiot who felt the urge to see ‘The Birds,’ so that’s precisely what I did. I was camped out in the living room area, where I spend significantly more time now that the entire flat is essentially all mine and because of its close proximity to the kitchen. Pausing to put on an avocado face mask in the bathroom (embarrassing to admit I actually do that sort of thing occasionally), I come back out to find both doors to the balcony wide open. Commence panic. Closing and locking them, I decide to make a cup of tea to calm myself. That and should anyone have snuck in, I can also use the hot water to scald attackers.

But the water had not yet boiled when I heard a door click and footsteps. Three terrifying seconds later I found myself face to face with two guys and a girl, all of us screaming in shock. Before I could get up the courage to ask what the hell was going on, the girl angrily said, “Where is my cake?” This was not what I had expected to hear, so I just stared at her stupidly. Here I was in a bathrobe and produce smeared on my face encountering trespassing strangers wanting random food. The whole situation was like a cliche scene from a Disney Channel movie. All I could say was the very lame, “Actual baked good or like, the band?” I had also considered telling her I’d buy her some if she please didn’t kill or rob me. “It was in the freezer,” she yelled. Oh yeah, there had been a half loaf of pound cake in the freezer, I remembered it now. But I ate that two weeks ago because it was nearing its expiration date and was obviously unclaimed. “You’re the British girl!” I exclaimed, it all finally clicking, “I thought you moved out forever ago.” She explained that she had moved all her things to her boyfriend’s apartment two floors up, but on paper she still lived here. “But the other day I remembered I’d left that cake and now I want it.” It’s been over a month since I’ve seen this girl, I don’t even know her name and now I’m being harassed for something as incredibly stupid as this.

“What’s that black shit on your face and why’s it stank in here?” asked one of the two guys, whom I can only assume were her boyfriend and um, some other guy. “Avocado oxidizes. And the microwave spontaneously combusted a few days ago.” I stammered. Both statements are true answers to his questions, but I didn’t exactly phrase it the right way. The other night I was reading and looked over to see noxious fumes emanating from the empty microwave. Thank goodness I had an already wet tea towel nearby to throw on it and cease the flames, then fanned most of the smoke out so I didn't set off the alarm. I sprayed lots of air freshener, but it’s a bit difficult to get that lingering scent of burnt plastic appliance death. So now my toaster has been kidnapped and my microwave has gone the way of a Spinal Tap drummer. Hopefully the stove top, electric kettle and refrigerator stay loyal to me.

“Yeah, the microwave did that to me once.” British girl said poutily, then she and her dudes left with that. Thanks for scaring the bejeezus out of me, making slightly threatening demands, and not previously warning me about faulty wired deathtraps in our kitchen! After a few minutes processing that whole debacle, I went back to watching Tippi Hedren being dive-bombed by crows.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Wiiiiiild Horses

When I was an intern at Citypaper, one of the editors had a running joke about me being the youngest of the group. Everyone else was over 21 and would go out to bars together, especially the one dive bar across the street. The first time I went along and just sat there soberly listening to tipsy journalists tell me about ‘that time they went to Dollywood’ or their cat, Samuel L. Jackson (I will perhaps some day write another post about this, because it’s a pretty funny story). As amusing as that was, I felt a bit left out and from then on only joined my co-workers when they went for the occasional post-work cupcake. Not that eating cupcakes helped my image as the baby of the group. I was assigned to doing the listings for kids activities and walking tours. Which was a bit redundant because 50% of walking tours are things like ‘Tots Explore the Woods!’ The other 45% are home or garden tours designed for all ages but you know only the elderly will show up and the last 5% are prison, ghost, or cemetery tours for history buffs/goths/Halloween.

One day, the editor threw something at me and said in a voice usually reserved for speaking to puppies, “You are going to love this one SO MUCH! It has ponies!” In my hands was a copy of ‘My Horse and Me,’ a computer game obviously intended for 10-year-old girls. The ironic thing being that even my preteen self probably would’ve gagged at the thought of playing this. I had to beat the game and write a review of it over the weekend. Now, I’m horrible at video games, the only ones I can succeed at are things like Myst or Rock Band. Even so, I beat Myst because my Dad helped me and in Rock Band I can only be the singer. Crap as I am at playing video games myself, I love watching other people and screaming at them to "get that guy over there, quick quick, auuuuuuuugh!" My friends refer to this as my ‘Backseat Gaming.’ I overcame all that and though it took almost the whole darn weekend, I achieved victory. The article ended up being one of the most fun things I’ve ever written, and for that reason I want to try it again.

I noticed the other day the library has several computer games that look deliciously stupid and thought it would be interesting to write about them once and a while as filler for when my life is boring. Don’t worry, you need not know anything about or even have an interest in computer games. I use no technical jargon and usually spend most of my review being silly (as you can see from the ‘My Horse and Me’ link above). So expect a few of these in the future, maybe I’ll expand into another one of my favourite subjects: awesomely terrible B-grade movies. I want 2009 to be more witty and less ‘Dear blog, I’m boring. Here’s what I didn’t do today.’

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

So This is the New Year

So, how about this 2009? It doesn’t seem much different yet, but I always think that. I had a wonderful time in Sydney with my parents over the holidays. Believe me, I’d like to tell you everything we did. But those of you who know my Dad are probably aware how he packs as much sightseeing and activities he can into one vacation, using the guidebook as his personal Bible. If The Book deem it not worthy, thou must not partake and insteadith goeth somewhere involving much wearing down of thine sandals. The bottoms of my feet had bruises on them from walking so much. I practically have hobbit feet, so how I managed to bruise my thick soles is a mystery to me. And then when I said goodbye at the airport, my soul was bruised... Awwww, lame quasi-pun. But I was sad, especially since it was great having them as company again.

Now I’m back to Apartment 404 (which I like to call ‘404 ERROR!’), where I have no idea if I’m the only one still here. The Spanish girl moved out the day I left for Sydney and a lot of the Chinese girl’s stuff is gone. I thought the latter was staying for several more months, so it’s an absolute mystery. At first I was a bit freaked out, thinking maybe she was secretly a spy and had to flee, or maybe she had a heart attack in her room and now there's a dead body in her locked room I won't know about until I start to smell it decomposing. I need either Hercule Poirot or a Worry Hat. All I know is that she took the toaster, which we split the cost for. If I ever see her again, I am filing for custody. She doesn’t even use it, she neglects it and denies it love! *sob* I had to fry my bread this morning, it’s not the saaaame!

Unusual attachments to lost appliances aside, it’s a bit nice having the whole place to myself. I’m free to have my own little dance party in the living room and sell off the books Spanish flatmate left behind. But once again, I miss my Dad’s nerdy jokes and classic Mom statements such as, “Lizards run like a girl” and "You think he's cute?! But he's all... mincey!" Hell, right about now I wouldn’t even mind repeating the night of New Years Eve. It’s my absolute most dreaded of holidays, more than Valentines Day (because with that you at least get candy) and I’ve loathed it for several years. Despite having to stand around for about six hours in a huge crowd (another thing I’m not a fan of) while Dad herded us to ensure we get ‘the best view of the fireworks,’ I was glad to be there with my parental units. That was one of the first things I thought in 2009, along with, “Oh, please don’t start smacking people!”

This was in reference to the two Flavor of Love rejects (one wearing a ‘Sargent Sexy’ pleather getup and the other in a Playboy Bunny type of costume) standing near me who butted their way through the crowd half an hour before midnight and flirted with an old man to secure a place to stand. One woman yelled at them and it was a sass-fest for the rest of the night. It was pretty ridiculous, but then again, in 2008 the first thing I said was, “Hap-AUUUGH!” because my friend Paige tackled me and in 2007 I think I said, “Woo 2006! Wait...” The first thing I actually vocalized in 2009 was singing along to ‘Use Somebody’ by Kings of Leon, which is my idea of a perfect way to celebrate (as I drowned out the sound of “GET OWT MAH FACE, YOU JUST JEALOUS WE’RE SEXY AND NOT SHORT, UGLY YOU! SHUT UP ‘FORE I MAKE YOU MAH FIRST ENEMY OF THE YEAR!”).

Here’s to the ninth anniversary of millions thinking we were all going to die because of a computer error that never happened! Yay.